3 a.m.

image1I enjoy being alone. I love the virtues of being able to enjoy this remarkable existence as an individual.

Loneliness on the other hand is a deep and painful vortex that smothers the life out of an otherwise happy person.

I’m not scared to die alone, I’m scared I’ll live my life lonely.

I like being alone with my thoughts. I don’t like being with my own thoughts for very long.

I enjoy going to the movies alone. I don’t enjoy always going to the movies alone.

I enjoy relishing in a new restaurant alone. I don’t enjoy always eating alone.

I love that I now love, I don’t love that I love those who don’t love me back.

I enjoy traveling on my own. I don’t enjoy always experiencing a new place on my own.

I enjoy coming to a quiet home and being able to listen to silence. I don’t enjoy an empty house.

I enjoy curling up in bed. I don’t enjoy the pain I feel when I wake up and realize no one is there, no one ever has been there, and no one will probably be there.

I enjoy the night when the rest of the world seems to be asleep and I’m up to good trouble. I don’t enjoy waking up at 3am and feeling the crushing anxious realization that no one is here.

I enjoy waking up from a dream and being able to stretch out and enjoy the memory of it. I don’t enjoy waking up from a nightmare and having no one around to tell me it’ll be alright.

I enjoy looking at the night sky and wondering about how incredibly complex life is and how remarkably little I understand about the universe- feeling as though my place here right now is remarkable. I don’t enjoy feeling as though I don’t ever really belong anywhere or with anyone. Given the former, the latter feels all the more painful.

I love celebrating this remarkably unlikely life on my own. I don’t enjoy that I don’t have someone to celebrate life with me; sometimes it does seem like a chore.

I enjoy sharing my life through the internet, I don’t enjoy waiting to see if anyone else (if I’m being honest, waiting to see if particular someones) likes it.

I love being alone. I hate being lonely.

Life is really good, except in moments like this when it’s not.

i promise I’m fine, I just want to be honest about living life.

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One thought on “3 a.m.

  1. I enjoyed reading your thoughts on being alone. I enjoy reading but don’t do enough of it these days. I also enjoy the peace and quiet of being alone but have never got used to being lonely. I hope you have a good day. Take care. 🙂

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